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  • Writer's pictureWooden Elbow

Murrieta‬ Fire In ‪Riverside County, California Caused By Anti-Thigh Gap Jogging Group

For the first time in history, exercise is the enemy.

The anti-thigh gap jogging group out of southern California known as “The Thundering Thightanics” has finally made an impact on their community, just not in the way they had hoped. When the group met on a morning early last week, they thought it would be another normal day of chaffing through Kagel Canyon near San Fernando California. We caught up with founder of The Thundering Thightanics, Mr. Lardy Blubbs, “I started my day like any other by coating my legs with a mixture of Vaseline and baby powder, little did I know that this day would be burned into my mind forever, pun intended.” “Blubby”(as he is known by), stated that he knew for months that something like this was going to happen, and he says all fingers point to Janet, the newest member of The Thundering Thightanics. " Janet is a real thrill seeker of a woman, she never takes precautions before we go out on our jogs. She once showed up wearing sandals, while she was going commando, in her high-waisted Levies denim capris." Blubby went on to say that Janet, should not be a reflection of the rest of the Thightanics, mostly because she is very new to the group. Janet refused to comment and literally can't, seeing as she is still in the ICU for critical crotch and leg burns. Apparently, the pure pain and adrenaline, along with the infection has put her into a coma. Nothing good comes out of a situation like this, a woman is in the hospital, and the prom king of states is on fire. But how this actually managed to happen is a story of disbelief.

Blubby, Janet, and three other members were taking their normal path through Kagel Canyon, when Janet saw a really cool hidden bed and breakfast, and veered off toward it. Little did she know that the slope leading to the B and B, was on such a decline that she started bolting toward the business like an unlodged boulder. The rest of the group were reminded of the scene in that old Chris Farley movie, (black sheep) where the boulder knocked the house completely off of its foundation, Mixed with another scene from the movie where Mr. Farley took a nasty tumble down a mountain, add fire from the heat generated between Janet's massive thighs, and you have some hellish fires being swept through southern California. All of this news is bad, people are hurt, towns are being evacuated, and business's are suffering, but its important to realize that no one is to blame here. An overweight woman trying to get her health back on track, made an impromptu decision to change her course, ended up turning into sonic the hedgehog, and putting an entire region into duress. We can't blame Janet for making the world a bit warmer, and bringing us a little closer together.

-Bill Pantsplitter

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